After spending a week in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with my mother and sister at a Buddhist mindfulness retreat and a few days hiking in the mountains where I spent much of my childhood, I am feeling much more refreshed and relaxed and like myself again.
Not surprisingly, finally having the space and time to really pay close attention to my body and feel into it meant that my pain was more intense, especially during moments of meditation. I tried to take the standpoint of my pain as my teacher, to finally go into my pain (instead of try and tolerate it) and see what is there. There is no doubt in my mind that much of it is because of so many emotions and difficult situations I never was able to resolve over this past year. My physical body has always been my emotional/happiness barometer like that.
I don't consider myself a "Buddhist" but I get a lot out of the calming and mindfulness training. The most moving thing about the retreat for me was witnessing so many people who were all so dedicated to making peace in themselves and in the world. It was truly a community bonded through loving intent. Since I can tend to be a bit cynical about humanity, despite my idealistic personality, it was a relief to realize that if and when I start to get down on the state of the world, I can remember this community of 1000 people at this retreat who all were seeking a deeper, more meaningful and peaceful life for not just themselves but all humanity.
One of the phrases used at this retreat was to "look deeply" into our lives, into our hearts and selves for the wisdom and answers we need. Now, it is also my time to look deeply into this past year and tease out the gems of real beauty and wisdom from the hardships and emotional challenges. As I untie the emotional knots, which no doubt have caused the actual physical knots in my back, I hope to take lessons and gems of wisdom as well.
I know that it may take months, if not years, to fully understand and appreciate everything I learned this past year. In a way, I am still in a place of calming down and reminding myself, "You can let your guard down now, Tamara. You can smile at people on the street again, Tamara. You can take a deep breath, you are safe."
In two more weeks, I will be in Portland again and in my mind's eye, I am seeing myself walking through my front door again, into my little house that has always felt so cozy to me.
Boy, do I remember what it was like to shut that door behind me and drive away on that last day, August 24th 2008. Now, I am anticipating the emotions of walking back into that house that has been waiting for me, that house that symbolizes a lot of my life in Portland and what I left behind. That house symbolizes my roots and my place in the world here.
I am so grateful to have a home to come back to. Having my own space again, not living out of a backpack, even having a yard to clean up sounds wonderful right now. I tear up when I realize that I am ready to walk through that door again. I am ready to greet that part of me, that part of my life. I am ready to really be home again.
