I've been back in the US for 6 months now since my year abroad in Morocco, Mali and Turkey but I never really have felt "home."What I thought was culture shock hasn't worn off. The nagging feeling that Portland just doesn't seem to be my place right now isn't going away. I still feel like an observer rather than a part of the world. I'm starting to realize that I've been permanently changed by my year abroad and in some ways, feel more at home in Morocco and Mali and more out of place here. Life doesn't have that feeling of flowing right now. Therefore, it's time to employ one of my life tenets: When you keep hitting walls and feel like you're swimming upstream, try going a different direction.
Still being mostly unemployed and mostly living off of savings is getting old. I've been toying with the idea of picking up and going back for some time. A couple weeks ago, I started poking around looking at airline tickets out of curiosity. I hadn't looked at any of my accrued miles in quite some time and, as luck would have it, I happened to have enough miles wracked up to be eligible for a free return ticket! Even more amazing was that I actually was able to land a seat in high season using miles. When I finalized my reservation, the ticket agent told me on the phone, "You must be charmed. I just don't know how you even got these seats to begin with. Normally, trying to find a reward ticket during high season connecting through Paris requires reserving a year in advance." I took that as a sign that I am moving in the right direction.
Late last week I had the great pleasure of speaking to Hassan (my closest friend and significant other in Essaouira) on the phone to inform him of the exciting news. By the time I arrive, it will have been almost a year since we last saw each other.
I have some big music research plans, possibly including the Sacred Music Festival in Fes and most definitely the Gnawa festival in Essaouira. If possible, one of my specific goals will be to meet with Ma'alem Makzoumi, pictured above. But the most exciting part to me is that I will be in Morocco during shaban, the month before Ramadan when sacred ceremonies are held almost every night. I am most looking forward to sitting all night through those ceremonies, sharing in the cleansing and balancing ritual of the Gnawa.
Even though I was born in the States and my passport claims me as American, my mind and heart are still longing to go back to Africa, which in a lot of ways, feels more like my home now. As cliché as it might sound, that's where my heart is.
